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Chronicles of Ziddiblogger – Part 2

Have you read the first part of the Chronicles? In case you have missed it,  read HERE

The ‘sweet meet’ hall resembled the courtroom of that of the Harry Potter movies. Huge,Chaotic and Sinister. There was pandemonium everywhere. Three stately figures were seated on the dais. The maximum of noise was coming from the front rows while the lot in the mid and last rows was quieter. At the farthest corners some meek looking people were seated in cordoned off areas. Shani entered the hall timidly. It was her first time face to face appearances with the Big Daddies of the blog world and she was nervous. The hierarchy was apparent at the first glance itself. The power bloggers were seated on the front while the smallest fries were roped in the cordoned area. She was unsure as to where she should be and stood for a few seconds in the doorway when a Ziddi -police came to her smiling sweetly with a tray of sweets on his hands.

“Now isn’t the sweet thing being carried out too far” she thought.

“Yes”? The ZP asked in a sweet voice

“I am Shani and I have a place here…”

“Ok. Could you please tell me what was your highest ziddivine score till date?”

“32” she replied shyly

“Tch tch! Newbie? Never mind. Just keep trying. “He waved his hand in a patronizing way and added after a moment of calculation “Your seat is there “– pointing towards the cordoned area.

“There? b..but…” she was perplexed. Weren’t the chai dukan people supposed to have special seats? After all her boss was part of the witness protection program.

“Oh yes dear! That is the BPL area –BPL as in Below Pointless Level -whose cut off is 50 ziddi vine votes. So you have to accommodate yourself over there.”

“ You see,” he winked conspiratorially “We are trying to make you all, more visible as we keep on receiving complains of your non visibility.  This is just another of our sweet endeavor for you all.”  he said .

“By tagging us?” she asked shocked. But he was already gone.

She proceeded slowly to her seat where she was welcomed heartily by the other impoverished ones. The program seemed already on way.

She whispered to the skinny girl nearby. “What’s the status?”

“They have already chosen four names from the online pitch submission. They are just about to put them up for voting for a special prize…You missed the welcome speech.  It was too sweet.

“Well I did that on purpose. If I wrote about it, the report would have become too long. Readers don’t like long posts no matter how sweet they may be…Hmm! So now we choose,right? What are they trying to do? Miss congeniality on their mind?

“Hah! Bloggers and congenial? But yes you get my point. We have to vote for the most deserving one out of the four.” She replied a little breathlessly. “They want to promote sweetness among us”she added with a snort.

Just then the one named Funny Ravan came upon the microphone and without much delay started,

“Dear friends it was tough selecting the best pitch from the lot but keeping in mind the originality of the pitch and the reason given there of ,we have chosen

Original and interesting pitch-no 1 from shyanapan.com-

And the pitch is- I write so badly, so incomprehensively that people need footnotes to understand them.  If I don’t give a word by word explanation about it, half of them don’t get it whether it is poetry or my daily shopping list.”

Funny Ravan paused for an effect and bellowed. “We really liked the footnotes part that he had submitted as a reason and so we chose it for your sweet promotion. Interestingly this is the footnote of the actual pitch…which we err skipped it due to time constraint.”

Someone from the first row stood up and called out

“I object. Having footnotes do not make it a bad post. What say friends?” said the blogger turning towards the rest

“Yes, yes! He is a damn good writer, so that is not an accurate pitch. He writes very nicely but it is we who are dumb, not to follow it. Hence it should be disqualified.” They chorused

Shani and the others chanted excitedly, “yes! yes! Disqualify”

Poor Shyanpan didn’t stand any chance against such un-sweetness. He was promptly disqualified from the pitch contest.

Funny Ravan shrugged and continued,

“Well that settles it I guess. So let’s go on to the second one we chose

It is Stupidoscope.com the science of shit. His pitch goes thus-

As the name suggests I wrote about stupid people who can’t seem to find their stupid cup of coffee and who keep on trying to find it stupidly, presented in a very stupid way with stupid pictures. “

Zombie boo burst out laughing. “Now that is a stupid pitch, but original”

But someone from the back rows yelled- “That might be stupid but it cannot be called a bad post in any way. Disqualify him too.”

“Stupidity isn’t bad. Disqualify!!!” chorused the hall.

So it wasn’t long before stupidoscope was also chucked out un-sweetly.

The skinny girl next to shani giggled and whispered.

“Though you people are never unanimous on who to promote, you all are nevertheless always unanimous on who to disqualify.” Shani just glared at her. She didn’t like her at all. She was too thin. She shook off the unpleasant thought and concentrated on the dais instead. It seemed some more drama was about to unfold.

Funny Ravan looked confused and whispered something to Vinamrata.

“No whispering, no conspiracy” shouted another power blogger from the front. “Call upon the next.”

Funny Ravan helplessly glanced at the list and called out nervously

“The next is from the …One who shall be not named. “He glanced at the crowd a bit nervously which had become deathly silent and proceeded-

“His pitch is quite short- I copied. Now beat that!”

All hell broke loose. Someone screamed- “Noooo! never.” Someone in the mid row fainted.

A lot of arguments started simultaneously among different groups while a few abuses could be heard flying about in the front rows. It seemed there were two groups fighting out-The group belonging to One who shall not be named and the rest. Shani and her companions craned their neck to get a better view. The skinny girl next to Shani hissed,

“Some of the abuses they are flinging will make a bad post in itself if they wrote it down”

Finally a few power bloggers calmed down the hall and one of them patiently explained- “That is obviously a bad thing to do, but that does not make the post a bad post. In fact the fact that he copied the post is an indication that the post is a good post.  SO DISQUALIFY”

The hall cheered and jeered with gusto- “DISQUALIFY!”

It took a few more minutes for the hall to calm down and finally the people settled down

Funny Ravan cleared his throat and said, “well, we are left with the last choice and by default it has to be chosen as winner”

“No,” Someone called out from the middle rows. “What if it isn’t a bad post and needs to be disqualified? So, please read out the pitch!”

There was a murmur of agreement among the crowd. Funny Ravan sighed and pulled out his list again.

“The final pitch is from Shani. “Shani stared with disbelief. Finally! Yes, Finally! She would win a contest.

‘And she says” continued Ravan, “That my post itself, is a pitch for the worst post, as there is simply NOTHING good in it. And when there is nothing good in it, it becomes bad by logic.

Here goes her post-

!!!…???”

Funny Ravan hesitated and explained slowly- “The post contains three exclamatory marks, three dots and three question marks. Just that!

She was correct. It simply had nothing good in it and so it was bad. We simply could not refute her crazy logic.”

The hall was stunned to silence. What an argument, they thought.  Shani beamed with happiness as her dream of winning at least one contest was going to finally come true.

But then the skinny girl stood up and called out, “but it isn’t a bad post”

“How?” snapped Shani

All eyes turned towards them.

“Well it is grammatically correct. It has a beginning, middle and an end. All the expressions are vividly given. In fact it is one of the most creatively perfect post.”

‘You are mad!” Shani screamed forgetting all decorum

“Oh no, I am not, but you are too clever. You thought you will get away so easily” Turning towards the dais she went on, “The post is simple. There is surprise at something, then an uncertainty and finally ending with an open ending. See?”

Shani became crazy with rage. Her one and only chance at winning a contest was being destroyed by that girl and in blind fury she hit out at the girl. That was the trigger! A hall full of volatile bloggers was just waiting for it and suddenly everyone was at each other’s throat. The hall became a one big screeching, scratching and screaming battle ground.

Funny Ravan, Vinamrata Tarzan and zombie boo somehow fled the scene, but Shani could hear their last words before fleeing.

“Chuck the idea of sweet meet. I think Tweet meet is safer. Bloggers and sweet? Hah!”

Disclaimer: The story  bears no resemblance to any blogger writing or not writing and if any resemblance is found, it should be taken as a coincidence and the coincidence should be taken with a pinch of salt.

0 13 June, 2011 Wicked Brew June 13, 2011

About the author

She is a Doctor by profession , working in Delhi. Loves traveling, mind games and playing with words… And also the chief-co brewer of GingerChai. She is the chief brewer of some of the interesting categories you see in GingerChai. Follow @manishalsam

View all articles by Mani Padma

12 comments

  1. Prateek

    LOL
    I think this post should participate in Ziddivine. I am sure it’ll fetch above 300 votes and you will sit among those pioneer bloggers who are “Gawd” of writing. Also with such sweet words (ahen!!) you “might” be able to win this contest and take huge amount of money to home. :P

    Reply
  2. Gyanban

    “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” :-))

    This is easily one of your most creative work till date, must say very well written.:-)

    Reply
  3. Pranjal

    Kya baat hai… Awesome. What an explaination for “!!!…???”.
    Theres a confusion though, little ignorant that i am, i din’t get whose the skinny girl!

    Reply
  4. Mani

    Skinny girl isn’t anyone you or I know. There can never be a skinny girl. She was made so that no girl can think- grrrr. yeh kahi mani mere baare mein to nahi bol rahi hain :P

    Reply
  5. Anney

    ” We need the BAD Boss to give this BAD post a BAD laugh!”
    Will this comment qualify for your ziddi post?!
    U r too good Mani!

    Reply
  6. Samadrita

    Again I want to say put it up on Ziddivine for voting. The parodied ones need to read and appreciate this. :P :D
    I’m sure many people will appreciate anyway.

    Reply

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