Eve’s Fruit of Love

When God punished Eve, he gave her pain beyond any imagination and then told her to love it.

I don’t quite know how to term it. Was I happy? Or Was I sad? The first time I saw her, she was just an unwanted responsibility. My freedom was going to be curtailed; I was not free to be me. I hated it.  For a week, I pondered of how to cope up with this uninvited guest. I wanted to lose her, but my heart refused to take a stand. I had to know what it was like… I had seen the horror shows in every family…. the early wake up calls, the months of toil, the endless diaper trail… I was not ready for this rigorous routine.

And then, it happened, I fell in love. A site with the baby stories and the development schedule hit me with a fact I couldn’t deny…. the baby’s heartbeat…. I was floored. The heartbeat of a living baby…my baby. I could not say good bye when I didn’t even start with a hello! She deserved a chance to survive… didn’t we all? For months, I sat feeling sick and convincing myself, “Baby, you are my responsibility. I will be damned if anyone says otherwise!”

I was ridiculed for my stupidity. “You have no job! You are penniless! How will you survive?” the questions taunted me. I vowed to be indifferent. I whispered reassurance to my little one everyday, “You are lucky for me, my darling… children bring good luck. Don’t let anyone say that you will never have a chance…”

A pregnant woman was never considered for any vacancy. I worried about the money on the doctor’s visit and the medicines I would have to keep taking. I needed more. I would rather be bold than begging.  I was capable. If my body could hold a baby secure, I could hold a job secure. My last interview was at a publishing house with a big wig who was unaware of my special status. After the final short listing, it was time to put my cards on the table. It was now or never. The baby needed care and I would fight for it. My baby deserved it.

“That is a lot of money. The salary for this post is not as much.” the gentleman replied as he smiled at me.

He looked amused, like he had seen a small puppy trying to drag a lion by its tail.

“Sir, let me be honest. I have the experience and skills. I didn’t reach the final interview without 6 other people seeing it. I am 5 months pregnant. Don’t waste my time bull shitting on how the salary demanded does not fit the post, coz we both know it does. I have nothing to lose but time and I rather you don’t waste my time; with this futile discussion. Do you want me to be here on Monday….if yes, then that’s the final offer, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.”

I stood up to leave. The baby gave me her first kick. I stood still for a second and smiled. She responded to my frustration. How assuring.

“Miss … I needed a lady with spunk for the job. Your honesty is refreshing. You are hired.”

My happiness glowed on my face and my smile widened as I shook hands. My baby brought me luck. In a few months, the bills got paid and I enjoyed the care and success I got from my job. As the period of confinement grew closer, I worried.  Was the pain unbearable, would I have to have a C-section, who would be with me…, am I fit to be a mother?  The stories I heard of the pain and the videos I saw of the birth were bone chilling. I wondered why God punished Eve with such pain.  On a cold winter morning, the pain was unbearable and it happened.

The baby, she came out crying loudly into the world after 12 hours of labour.

‘Small and ugly’… I was not sure if I could love her. She was just a feeling until the first time I physically saw her. Weren’t babies supposed to be cute and cuddly? I shuddered. The first few nights were horrible. The exhaustion, the lack of sleep and the depression made me wild. ‘I am unfit to be a mother. I have too much pride to give her away…I had called her my lucky charm and I hated seeing her cry. I can’t love her.’  Thoughts swirled in my mind. I had made a mistake. I cried when she slept, asking God to give me patience. ‘What mother could not love her child?’ I asked God as I demanded an explanation. Did Eve love her child after the pain? A week into the endless routine, she stopped crying when I picked her up. I was surprised. Did she realize my fear? I trembled at the serene sleeping face. I was a horrible woman. Why did she sleep like she was safe in my hands?  I knew nothing of how it was to be a mother. I looked at her in horror.

She smiled in her sleep and pressed her little fingers close to my heart.

‘She can see the angel visiting her…’ the nurse said as she put a shawl on my shoulder and left. It was just me and the baby. I was alone. But that smile and that smell of her baby powder made me look at her once again. She was so tiny. Her little eyes opened for a few seconds as she gave me a toothless grin. I knew at that instant, that I would fight with all of eternity to keep her safe. She was so beautiful. In my arms, she gave me the strength to fight the cruel world. I understood how Eve could love her pain.

As I returned to work two months later, I learned another fact; a mother’s love is vulnerable as it is strong. I never realized that I could love someone so blindly and so strongly that the very thought of a smile could send me flying back home for one more hug. In her little achievements, I saw my life’s successes. The first smile, that first tooth and that drooling smile with the drippy toys were eye openers to her world of discovery. Those speedy four legged crawls could shame the fittest of soldiers and the first steps and flying toys were regular activities to record for memories. The noisy mealtimes, flying food, grubby face and loud laughs of delight; they were my inspiration to overcome the rainy days.

She grew, while I watched with pride. My baby had a story for me everyday. Then one day, it was time to set her out into the world…the first day at school. I stood at the gate with my heart in my mouth.  Would she cry… will she miss me; was I a bad mother if she missed me?

What if someone tried to hurt her? I would pulverize anyone who would as much as look at her in the wrong way.

What if she wanted to use the loo? Would the nanny know that she liked to use the liquid sanitizer like I taught her? Rub-Rub –left- right-over-under-inside- outside…

What if the other children bullied my baby? Or stole her breakfast? … I should get the list of classmates with photo ids and parent contacts. The villain would suffer if my baby cried.

My thoughts were endless and then, it happened….she smiled. I smiled back bravely. With a wave, she whispered,  “Go mummy. I promise to have fun. I am not afraid.”

I didn’t quite know how to term it. Was I happy? Or Was I sad? I guess I was relieved to know that being a mother was never easy. I saw a mother nearby trying to put her screaming and terrified son past the school gate. I realised that my baby grew bold with me.

At least now, I understand God. He made the woman feel the pain because he knew that only she had the capacity to bear pain and love in the same measure without any grudge. Despite her weakness, he found her to be strong in bearing sorrows.

Perhaps, that is why, she was a fitting companion to man. It was either that or quote- unquote “He has a warped sense of humour in torturing man for his stupidity” (as said by a WISE man!)

Anney Thomas

Born and brought up in Abu Dhabi and roots in India, Anney has a streak of funny genes that could make you forget day’s tension. She has reinvented her writing passion and is here to delight us with her flavour.

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Tags: child, child birth, children, emotions, mother, parental feelings, parental joy

This entry was posted on August 18, 2010 at 7:46 am and is filed under Other Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.