This is the story about my switch from one brand of energy bars to another with disastrously feminine results! (disastrous to me as I am a male and ‘feminine results’ are not what I am looking for to spice my life up)
‘Looney Looney Luna bars’ is a pointless short story I wrote as an exhaust for my vilifications. Enjoy! BURP
As a recreational runner, I am overly obsessive (if it is possible to be overly obsessive) about my pre-run and post-run meals, like most long distance runners are. To counteract the hundreds of calories lost during a long run lasting anywhere between 50-60 minutes, I invest a chunk of my earnings in energy bars and protein powders which are quite effective.
I was getting quite bored of my pre-run energy bar and hence I abandoned ship and changed loyalties from ‘Larabars’, which are compacted fruit bars made of dates, figs and various nuts to ‘Lunabars’, which are compacted bars made of dates, figs, nuts and nuts WITH A BETTER FLAVOR.
As I unwrapped my morning-pre-run energy bar and sank my teeth into it, I noticed something strange printed on the wrapper. CHOMP CHOMP. What is this? CHOMP CHOMP. Hellooooo!!! It said LUNABar – The whole nutrition bar FOR WOMEN!!!!!
‘What?????‘ I exclaimed!!!! ‘GASP!!!!!’ was another noteworthy verbal ejaculation. It surprised the bejesus out of me that this energy bar, that I grasped in my hand, and chomped on vigorously WAS FOR WOMEN!!! And the rascal of a store clerk never told me!!!!
My mind was in turmoil! It was like being hit hard with a battering ram that completely blows the wind out of you (along with a few rupture organs, if I am to be precise about the repercussions of being pounded by a b. ram…)
A few of the thoughts that went into my mind were: “Does this thing have estrogen?!??!?!” “Will it make my boobs bigger???” “Will there be major upheavals in my life every 28 days?!??!??!?”
“Hold on… just one cotton picking minute…. How can this bar be for women ONLY? Food cannot be gender specific, surely? I’ve had enough of this woman’s lib bullsh*t without them stealing my right to an energy bar? This is ridiculous!”
And it was ridiculous. I checked with the manufacturer. Apparently it’s marketed as a ‘for women’ product as it only has half the calories as regular high protein bars, the sexist bastard!
And thanks to this consternation, I was late for my run.