You punch me and I will punch you back harder

Survivor… hmmm! The word sounds familiar… but not quite familiar.

Am I a survivor? I don’t know yet. I don’t feel I have won… but I know I am fighting. There is so much I have had to fight with over the past one year. Here’s my story.

I had kidney stones in 2008, and all was pretty cool at that point. It wasn’t a big deal at all. The bigger concern was the 20 Kgs I had gained (82 – 102) over the past two years because of lack of activity and abundance of beer

Now! In March’09, exactly a year ago, I decided to get rid of all this excess weight and watched a couple of Rocky Balboa to get me pumped. It was on 6th of March that I began exercising—twice a day—and with limited diet. I worked so hard that I lost 7 Kgs in the month of March. However, a new problem substantiated. I started getting fever at weird intervals… and every day. The usual fever courses did not prove to be of help. I could not go in for a full fledged checkup because I had joined a new organization on 16th March. I continued to report to work even through the illness and it kept worsening. It was on 1st April that I thought enough was enough. I took leaves and went for ultrasound and other checks.

During the ultrasound, it was discovered that I had pleural effusion (water in pleura, the covering of lungs). I googled the possible causes and the probables were TB, Lung Cancer, Lung Pneumonia etc. Well! It was not a nice read. Anyways, a couple of days and tests later, the verdict came out to be TB.

TB was a big deal disease in earlier times but it has become perfectly curable now. All you need to do is to take a 9 months course of a combination of some deadly medicines. I was cool with that. ‘Curable’ was a very cool word, I thought. Now… this is where the real problem surfaced. Where? When? Well, when I thought ‘what if’. What if I had lung cancer?

I had the Internet to my disposal… and I searched so much about cancer… that it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I read much more than I should have. It was those days that I realized how easy it was for this precious life to end. Death scared the hell out of me. I am sorry but I have not recovered from that frame of mind ever since. I have completely forgotten to enjoy life. All I have been thinking is – ‘when all things have to come to an end, why bother taking stuff so seriously’. I have lost respect for job, money, people… and even deliverables… which is the reason I got chucked out of the new job just two months after joining. I had lost it completely.

My TB course was discontinued on my birthday, 12th November. It wasn’t a big relief because I had stopped caring for things. Cancer scared/scares me big time. After the TB course was discontinued, I developed weird pimples on skin… which of course I thought as skin cancer…. but it turned out to be side effects of the medicines I had consumed. The skin problem is now taken care of. But then there is a problem in my throat… which is not healing since three months… I have paid so many visits to doctors… but all is definitely not well.

Professionally… I began freelancing in September last year… and somehow managed it… but ended up losing my clients due to the instability in mind and the resultant attitude. Remember??? I had stopped caring. Then, this year, I managed to get into a permanent job… but lost it due to similar issues (they promised me a permanent office but later asked me to work from home for a couple of months more… which I didn’t want to).

The only good thing that happened to me last year was my blog. I decided to vent out my frustration in the form of blog posts… and it helped big time! Here’s a tip – look around for vents; they help you.

Coming back to the bad things… 1st March’2010—no job, no money, health distorted, mind distorted, weight 108 kgs, personal relationships suffering… thoughts of ‘death’ all the time… and all the time to think of death!

Then again, that’s not the end of the story. I thought, ‘what if’. What if I fight once again… after all, it’s the month of March.

I hired a Yoga sir… started gymming… and took a decision! I will dedicate two whole months of my life to health… SO… here it is… March and April I am busy… friends. Although the throat problem hasn’t healed… but I can fight!

I can clearly remember all the things that motivated me once upon a time. ‘You punch me and I will punch you back harder’, said Rocky. I have decided to punch life. The weight is coming down… 104 at the moment. I think of death sometimes… but I think of life the remaining times.